Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
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Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl