Still my favorite headline of all time:
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My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.