New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
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[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Welcome to the stomach
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing