I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”