My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
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Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.