Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
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“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.