just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
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[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.