Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
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My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Nothing.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom