i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.