[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
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A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I cannot call her anything else now
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.