We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
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ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Wednesday
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”