Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
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My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.