Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes