Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer