[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
My neck my back my allergy attack
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.