Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
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Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
remember
only for emergencies
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Tough love is true love
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that