Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
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At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.