nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids