*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.