Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
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Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.