hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.