trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
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everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month