When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
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Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.