I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
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The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I wish I were this cool 😂
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.