got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.