there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
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I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
where do you see yourself in five years?
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi