Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
humans only use 10% of their treadmills