Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.