I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
thinking about a very short hotdog
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon