Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
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me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
i hate you platonically
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?