Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
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I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Aight bet
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.