lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Twitter remains undefeated
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?