Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.