reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
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‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
The days of good grammer has went
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.