When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
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Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman: