Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
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you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.