*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
this is what they would have looked like, though
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
#FunnyLife Insects
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.