Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
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I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Saturday
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.