Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
You Might Also Like
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.