I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
You Might Also Like
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Attacked by a mop.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.