officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Okay
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.