It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments