me as a parent
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I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
just witnessed a drug deal
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I’ve had worse
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?