hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?