If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
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Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”