God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
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[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars