I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
You Might Also Like
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’