I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
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I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.