well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
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What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Received some very disappointing news today
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign