I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
No point crayon over spilled milk.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.